Been a while since my last blog post.. Been pretty busy .... work and other extra activities. Either I am hormonal or just thinking too hard, but I needed to get these thoughts out of my mind.. So, here I go.. everyone who knows me are aware on how much I love holding a camera or how much I love to capture moments especially every moment of my beautiful little girl's life.. But most of you do not know .. there are times when I do not want to touch or look at a camera because it is a shameful reminder of a life I had before (getting teary eye as I type this).. Everyone says, you learn from the mistakes that you make in your 20's and you are just found identity in the 30's and those are your best years.. Well ..I just turned 32... and I am still waiting for those best years... Often, I look at my camera and I just want to post it on Ebay or Craiglist, just to sell the darn thing.. Why do I want to get rid of an very expensive camera.. I have my reasons, but it is also bittersweet as well. I love it and I hate it.. but the camera just reminds of a past that I once had and how content I was in that world. I miss the care-free moments, I miss just smiling for no apparent reason, miss doing art and using my creative mind and miss joking around. Those are the things I miss when I pick up that camera.. I miss having support without me thinking negative thoughts and wandering of intentions of that person or their peers. I miss being with someone who shared the dreams and inspirations. Just on those moments alone.. my camera sickens me. Just want to keep it in a bag and do not want to touch it again. Even, looking at Photoshop makes me sick to my stomach cause it just reminds me more and more.. Well, all those are alot of thoughts .. I hope I do not sound psychotic.. On the bright side, I want to capture everything of my little ones' life.. I do not want to miss a beat.. I love people looking at the world from my point of view. Everyone point of view is always different, but you having someone who loves the world from your eye.. It can bring a smile on your face.. one that no one can take away.. Have you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages," if not it is a good read. I have learned that my love language is giving.. Boy!! Don't I know it. .. I think I have given so much in the 20s, but I use my eye to give to others in my 30s. Sounds weird, huh.. But that is the way I feel .. Maybe I need to be patient or maybe I am just a little more mature .. or maybe I just need to move on and stop dreaming.. or maybe I just need to stop being giving and just forget every one but darn it.. Just want the same smile on my face as my 20s.. well.. nice way coming back to blogging. Just a Hopeless Dreamer trying to find her way in the world..
Until Next Time, Tosha XOXO
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